Post by Admin on Sept 14, 2021 17:45:29 GMT -5
We are BACK baby. Week 1 is in the books and I am so glad I get to eat garbage and drink alcohol in front of a TV every Sunday as my happiness slowly drains away throughout the day. Isn't football fucking swell?
Let's waste no time - I've kept my babies in the dark for too long.
RANK EM
1. Mickey Mouse Club (1-0)
178.5-115 Win over Dying on This Tannehill (0-1)
It seems that every season, I am ranking Andy’s team number 1 right out of the gate. His teams always seem to hit the ground running, putting up gaudy numbers and smashing whoever dares stand in his way.
2021 was no different for Labeck the Elder. He is off to a scorching start with Tyreek Hill (38.5), the ghost of Melvin Gordon (27.5) and a downright Kelce-ian 19 targets for Darren Waller (26).The Aaron Rodgers (2) was concerning, but I am not worried about last year’s MVP just yet.
Andy can celebrate week 1, and I look forward to him once again disappointing everyone in the playoffs. He’ll square off with Mike D in Week 2.
2. Ha Gayyyyyyyyy (1-0)
144.5-109 Win over MaKamaraka Great Again (0-1)
A bit overshadowed by Andy’s excellent week, Christian was on fire from the very first game - as the Dak Stack™ with Ceedee Lamb produced 62.5 points before the Sunday games even began. Toss in a nice week from 1st rounder Nick Chubb (21) and a productive 15 points out of Miles Sanders and this was a recipe for success. Even if it was against a very average team.
Christian is looking down the barrel at 2-0 when he takes on Steve and the already injury-decimated Ruggs Munchers this week.
3. Drake’s New Favorite Team (1-0)
124-101.5 Win over Ruggs Munchers (0-1)
Even with down weeks from both his star keeper (no, not Nelson Agholor), the reigning champ managed to smoothly ride into his first step towards a true dynasty. Joe Mixon (29) clearly does not miss Gio Bernard and Cooper Kupp (27.5) looked unstoppable now that his QB is literate.
Robby Anderson (14.5) salvaged his paltry 3 targets with one reception - a 57 yard touchdown. Right here is a walking advertisement for cutting down bonuses. LiMonta gets Dan in Week 2 as we get ourselves a Championship rematch! You know what that mean, right? AJ Dillon is finding the end zone 6 times and LiMonta is gonna walk away with a W. That’s right, it’s THE MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!
4.Calico Cut Lance (1-0)
108-87 Win over 12 Years a Colluder (0-1)
Despite a mysterious scratch of his RB2 in Trey Sermon, Frank still managed to easily secure a victory over this week’s low scorer. Kirk Cousins (30) proved to be a wise stream while Amari Cooper (36.5) and AJ Brown (12) held it down amongst the rest of the team. In fact, they were the only non-kicker to hit double digits. Something tells me this may not be sustainable.
Oh wait, you play me. Nevermind. Still, Frankie will need to see some consistency from his running backs and #1 receiver before he can start thinking about competing.
5. The DK Crew (1-0)
120-103.5 Loss to Superfluous Simps SS (0-1)
After weeks of all of us shit-talking Drew’s team, it would have been reeeally fuckin embarassing if you didn’t pull this one out, dawg. Luckily for Olc, Mark Andrews (3.5) disappeared on Monday night and Justin Tucker (11) did not, and the victory fell into his lap.
Led by Russell Wilson (30) this team didn’t wow anyone but was highly consistent. Dalvin Cook (19) Jonathan Taylor (15) Diontae Johnson (11.5) and DK Metcalf (14) all pulled their weight just fine. Robert Tonyan (1) was notably absent, but that could have something to do with Aaron Rodgers intentionally playing poorly. John will do battle with his fellow John in Week 2.
6. Dying on this Tannehill (0-1)
115-178.5 Loss to Mickey Mouse Club
And here we have the best of the worst. John kicked off 2021 by losing mightily to his big bro, and would have beat all but 3 other squads in Week 1. But such is life.
Ryan Tannehill (15) was getting sacked like nobody’s business, and the stout Washington D/ST (1) was no match for the Chargers. Still, Tyler Lockett (32) looks fully recovered from his groin injury and Davante Adams (7.5) still managed to have a sort of OK day despite his team shitting all over themselves and the field. Travis Kelce (22) did Travis Kelce things as usual, and he and Davante and Lockett will continue to carry this team on their backs. Let’s see if he can even things out this coming Sunday.
7. Getting Higgy With It (1-0)
113-108 Win over Dirty D
This is what I call “I can’t just make the Week 1 standings the Power Rankings.” Yup, someone’s gonna have to suffer and I’m choosing you.
Let’s start with the good. Kyler Murray (35) continues to look like a top tier QB and CMC (23.5) is outrageous. Enjoy him before he inevitably gets hurt again. The rest of the squad was, ok I guess? Chris Carson (11.5) was a good RB2 and Tee Higgins (13) was solid despite probably losing the WR1 spot on his team. Mike Gesicki (0) though? Terry McLaurin (8)? Not exactly kicking down any doors. What is nice for Rob though, is that he’s probably going to end up 2-0 after he faces Drew in Week 2.
8. MaKamaraka Great Again (0-1)
144.5 - 109 LOSS to Hayyyyyyyyy (1-0)
If your name is not Tom Brady (38), Alvin Kamara (17.5), or TJ Hockenson (21) you’re fucking dead to me. In case you were wondering, I actually thought my WR group was a strength, but they decided to post a combined 22.5 between the 3 of them. Bang up work, gentleman. Now politely get fucked.
Not that it mattered anyway, as Christian’s squad was putting up double digits everywhere en route to a very healthy point total. And if you tuned in last Thursday, you knew my hopes were dead in the water on Opening Night when noted soft-as-silk bitch Ronald Jones (-1) rushed for 14 yards, fumbled, and then “couldn’t mentally get over the turnover” leading to his benching for the remainder of the night. Poor baby. I’m so sowwy footbaw is so hawd.
We’ll see if this collection of walking letdowns will be any match for Frank’s squad in Week 2.
9. Superfluous Simps SS (0-1)
103.5-120 Loss to The DK Crew (1-0)
Our most recent Prettiest Girl in the Bingo Club is already looking to repeat. Matthew Stafford (37.5) looks excellent in LA and D’Andre Swift (23) clearly gets some sort of stamina boost from shooting people. Kareem Hunt (14.5) just gets his from kicking women in the face. It’s fascinating to see how professional athletes train, isn’t it?
No one else scored double digits which wasn’t really a surprise, except for most notably Ezekiel Elliott (5) who ceded a lot of work to Tony Pollard. We may have a new Sleepy Clyde on our hands. Let’s see if Drew can get back on his feet against Bogle.
10. Dirty D (0-1)
108-113 Loss to Getting Higgy With It (1-0)
In what was quietly the closest matchup of the week, Mike just barely missed out on a Week 1 W. Jalen Hurts (30) made it work with his arm and his legs, while Adam Thielen (25.5) and Keenan Allen (19.5) are going to be an excellent WR duo for this team. Even Darrel Henderson (15.5) thrived despite the presence of Sony Michel
The two major issues so far though are George Kittle (7) and Aaron Jones (2). Mike invested a ton of draft capital into these two guys, and they are gonna have to perform better if Mike wants to get back into the playoffs for another year. The good news for Jones is that there really are no other capable running backs on the Packers roster now that Jamaal Williams is gone, so he’s got a stranglehold on the job. Lucky him.
Mike’s got a tough assignment in Andy for Week 2. Hopefully he can avoid another 175+ point performance.
11. Ruggs Munchers (0-1)
101.5-124 Loss to Drake’s New Favorite Team (1-0)
If losing wasn’t enough for Steve in Week 1, he also lost Raheem Mostert (2) and Jerry Jeudy (10) to IR. He will be without Mostert for at least 2 months and Jeudy for 4-6. In a Week that’s supposed to be full of hope and promise for fantasy managers, this was simply despair for the Sophomore Bingo Clubber. The good news is, Pat Mahomes (42) is still very good. The bad news is, you can’t reliably count on your QB for over 40% of your entire team’s points. Or maybe you can, idk, Mahomes is really good.
Josh Jacobs (16.5) luckily looked very nice on Monday, and Stefon Diggs (10.5) is still getting fed a big helping of targets. If and when Derrick Henry (8.5) returns to his normal output, Steve will definitely have a roster to salvage. He’ll try his luck against Christian this week.
12. 12 Years A Colluder (0-1)
87-108 Loss to Calico Cut Lance (1-0)
12 years? More like 12th place.
After going all-in in 2020 only to taste defeat, Dan’s roster is looking a bit skimpier these days. To make matters worse, God thought it would be funny to deprive him of JK Dobbins for the season after he tore his ACL. Dan invested 2 picks in Dobbins, and his absence is going to sting.
DeAndre Hopkins (23) is still a receiving monster, but no one else on this roster managed to hit 20 points. Najee Harris (5.5) didn’t hit the ground running and AJ Dillon (1.5) did his best Ronald Jones impression by tallying less than 20 rushing yards. Marquez Callaway (1.5) only found himself on the receiving end of 2 targets as Jameis spread the ball around, and Julio Jones (3.5) failed to impress in his Titans debut. It’s going to be tough sledding ahead for this squad, and he has a date with the reigning champ in Week 2.
Let's waste no time - I've kept my babies in the dark for too long.
RANK EM
1. Mickey Mouse Club (1-0)
178.5-115 Win over Dying on This Tannehill (0-1)
It seems that every season, I am ranking Andy’s team number 1 right out of the gate. His teams always seem to hit the ground running, putting up gaudy numbers and smashing whoever dares stand in his way.
2021 was no different for Labeck the Elder. He is off to a scorching start with Tyreek Hill (38.5), the ghost of Melvin Gordon (27.5) and a downright Kelce-ian 19 targets for Darren Waller (26).The Aaron Rodgers (2) was concerning, but I am not worried about last year’s MVP just yet.
Andy can celebrate week 1, and I look forward to him once again disappointing everyone in the playoffs. He’ll square off with Mike D in Week 2.
2. Ha Gayyyyyyyyy (1-0)
144.5-109 Win over MaKamaraka Great Again (0-1)
A bit overshadowed by Andy’s excellent week, Christian was on fire from the very first game - as the Dak Stack™ with Ceedee Lamb produced 62.5 points before the Sunday games even began. Toss in a nice week from 1st rounder Nick Chubb (21) and a productive 15 points out of Miles Sanders and this was a recipe for success. Even if it was against a very average team.
Christian is looking down the barrel at 2-0 when he takes on Steve and the already injury-decimated Ruggs Munchers this week.
3. Drake’s New Favorite Team (1-0)
124-101.5 Win over Ruggs Munchers (0-1)
Even with down weeks from both his star keeper (no, not Nelson Agholor), the reigning champ managed to smoothly ride into his first step towards a true dynasty. Joe Mixon (29) clearly does not miss Gio Bernard and Cooper Kupp (27.5) looked unstoppable now that his QB is literate.
Robby Anderson (14.5) salvaged his paltry 3 targets with one reception - a 57 yard touchdown. Right here is a walking advertisement for cutting down bonuses. LiMonta gets Dan in Week 2 as we get ourselves a Championship rematch! You know what that mean, right? AJ Dillon is finding the end zone 6 times and LiMonta is gonna walk away with a W. That’s right, it’s THE MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!
4.Calico Cut Lance (1-0)
108-87 Win over 12 Years a Colluder (0-1)
Despite a mysterious scratch of his RB2 in Trey Sermon, Frank still managed to easily secure a victory over this week’s low scorer. Kirk Cousins (30) proved to be a wise stream while Amari Cooper (36.5) and AJ Brown (12) held it down amongst the rest of the team. In fact, they were the only non-kicker to hit double digits. Something tells me this may not be sustainable.
Oh wait, you play me. Nevermind. Still, Frankie will need to see some consistency from his running backs and #1 receiver before he can start thinking about competing.
5. The DK Crew (1-0)
120-103.5 Loss to Superfluous Simps SS (0-1)
After weeks of all of us shit-talking Drew’s team, it would have been reeeally fuckin embarassing if you didn’t pull this one out, dawg. Luckily for Olc, Mark Andrews (3.5) disappeared on Monday night and Justin Tucker (11) did not, and the victory fell into his lap.
Led by Russell Wilson (30) this team didn’t wow anyone but was highly consistent. Dalvin Cook (19) Jonathan Taylor (15) Diontae Johnson (11.5) and DK Metcalf (14) all pulled their weight just fine. Robert Tonyan (1) was notably absent, but that could have something to do with Aaron Rodgers intentionally playing poorly. John will do battle with his fellow John in Week 2.
6. Dying on this Tannehill (0-1)
115-178.5 Loss to Mickey Mouse Club
And here we have the best of the worst. John kicked off 2021 by losing mightily to his big bro, and would have beat all but 3 other squads in Week 1. But such is life.
Ryan Tannehill (15) was getting sacked like nobody’s business, and the stout Washington D/ST (1) was no match for the Chargers. Still, Tyler Lockett (32) looks fully recovered from his groin injury and Davante Adams (7.5) still managed to have a sort of OK day despite his team shitting all over themselves and the field. Travis Kelce (22) did Travis Kelce things as usual, and he and Davante and Lockett will continue to carry this team on their backs. Let’s see if he can even things out this coming Sunday.
7. Getting Higgy With It (1-0)
113-108 Win over Dirty D
This is what I call “I can’t just make the Week 1 standings the Power Rankings.” Yup, someone’s gonna have to suffer and I’m choosing you.
Let’s start with the good. Kyler Murray (35) continues to look like a top tier QB and CMC (23.5) is outrageous. Enjoy him before he inevitably gets hurt again. The rest of the squad was, ok I guess? Chris Carson (11.5) was a good RB2 and Tee Higgins (13) was solid despite probably losing the WR1 spot on his team. Mike Gesicki (0) though? Terry McLaurin (8)? Not exactly kicking down any doors. What is nice for Rob though, is that he’s probably going to end up 2-0 after he faces Drew in Week 2.
8. MaKamaraka Great Again (0-1)
144.5 - 109 LOSS to Hayyyyyyyyy (1-0)
If your name is not Tom Brady (38), Alvin Kamara (17.5), or TJ Hockenson (21) you’re fucking dead to me. In case you were wondering, I actually thought my WR group was a strength, but they decided to post a combined 22.5 between the 3 of them. Bang up work, gentleman. Now politely get fucked.
Not that it mattered anyway, as Christian’s squad was putting up double digits everywhere en route to a very healthy point total. And if you tuned in last Thursday, you knew my hopes were dead in the water on Opening Night when noted soft-as-silk bitch Ronald Jones (-1) rushed for 14 yards, fumbled, and then “couldn’t mentally get over the turnover” leading to his benching for the remainder of the night. Poor baby. I’m so sowwy footbaw is so hawd.
We’ll see if this collection of walking letdowns will be any match for Frank’s squad in Week 2.
9. Superfluous Simps SS (0-1)
103.5-120 Loss to The DK Crew (1-0)
Our most recent Prettiest Girl in the Bingo Club is already looking to repeat. Matthew Stafford (37.5) looks excellent in LA and D’Andre Swift (23) clearly gets some sort of stamina boost from shooting people. Kareem Hunt (14.5) just gets his from kicking women in the face. It’s fascinating to see how professional athletes train, isn’t it?
No one else scored double digits which wasn’t really a surprise, except for most notably Ezekiel Elliott (5) who ceded a lot of work to Tony Pollard. We may have a new Sleepy Clyde on our hands. Let’s see if Drew can get back on his feet against Bogle.
10. Dirty D (0-1)
108-113 Loss to Getting Higgy With It (1-0)
In what was quietly the closest matchup of the week, Mike just barely missed out on a Week 1 W. Jalen Hurts (30) made it work with his arm and his legs, while Adam Thielen (25.5) and Keenan Allen (19.5) are going to be an excellent WR duo for this team. Even Darrel Henderson (15.5) thrived despite the presence of Sony Michel
The two major issues so far though are George Kittle (7) and Aaron Jones (2). Mike invested a ton of draft capital into these two guys, and they are gonna have to perform better if Mike wants to get back into the playoffs for another year. The good news for Jones is that there really are no other capable running backs on the Packers roster now that Jamaal Williams is gone, so he’s got a stranglehold on the job. Lucky him.
Mike’s got a tough assignment in Andy for Week 2. Hopefully he can avoid another 175+ point performance.
11. Ruggs Munchers (0-1)
101.5-124 Loss to Drake’s New Favorite Team (1-0)
If losing wasn’t enough for Steve in Week 1, he also lost Raheem Mostert (2) and Jerry Jeudy (10) to IR. He will be without Mostert for at least 2 months and Jeudy for 4-6. In a Week that’s supposed to be full of hope and promise for fantasy managers, this was simply despair for the Sophomore Bingo Clubber. The good news is, Pat Mahomes (42) is still very good. The bad news is, you can’t reliably count on your QB for over 40% of your entire team’s points. Or maybe you can, idk, Mahomes is really good.
Josh Jacobs (16.5) luckily looked very nice on Monday, and Stefon Diggs (10.5) is still getting fed a big helping of targets. If and when Derrick Henry (8.5) returns to his normal output, Steve will definitely have a roster to salvage. He’ll try his luck against Christian this week.
12. 12 Years A Colluder (0-1)
87-108 Loss to Calico Cut Lance (1-0)
12 years? More like 12th place.
After going all-in in 2020 only to taste defeat, Dan’s roster is looking a bit skimpier these days. To make matters worse, God thought it would be funny to deprive him of JK Dobbins for the season after he tore his ACL. Dan invested 2 picks in Dobbins, and his absence is going to sting.
DeAndre Hopkins (23) is still a receiving monster, but no one else on this roster managed to hit 20 points. Najee Harris (5.5) didn’t hit the ground running and AJ Dillon (1.5) did his best Ronald Jones impression by tallying less than 20 rushing yards. Marquez Callaway (1.5) only found himself on the receiving end of 2 targets as Jameis spread the ball around, and Julio Jones (3.5) failed to impress in his Titans debut. It’s going to be tough sledding ahead for this squad, and he has a date with the reigning champ in Week 2.